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There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, ”You’re next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome – both usually result in sudden death.

Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling, Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend, I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can. Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort, So they screwed up your nose too? Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo, I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it.” Just saying. Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding! They’re all dead. Sincerely, BP

Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened!? Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber, Ariel would really love her voice back. Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose, There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us. Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers, Can’t touch this. Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift, If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end. Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans, B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z… Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik’s Cube, Done! Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans, I. Can’t. Breathe. Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Sleeping Beauty, I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man. All you had to do was wake up. Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo, My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking… Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Sex Educators, Abstinence is only 99.99% effective. Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster, Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Sincerely, Toast

Dear Prince Charming, You’ve got some ‘splaining to do! Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

10. Life is sexually transmitted.

9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

6. Some people are like a Slinky – not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30?

2. In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And the Number 1 thought to ponder:

1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers – what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Three Norwegians go down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning - though none of them can remember what they did the night before!

The first one, Sven, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, “I yust graduated from St. Olaf College in Northfield Minnesota and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for Sven’s forgiveness, and release him.

The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, “I yust graduated from da Concordia College in Moorhead, Minnesota and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for his forgiveness, and release him.

The last one, Ole, is strapped in and he says, “Vell, den, I’m from Nort’ Dakota State in Fargo and I yust graduated vit a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this ting in.”

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have…

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Hospital Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind. ‘The bad news,” he continued, “is that…Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry? How soon can I go home?”

My wife and I were at home watching television. I had the remote and was switching back & forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said, “For God’s sake! LEAVE IT ON THE PORN CHANNEL! You already know how to fish!”

1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.

2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.

3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste, and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.

4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.

5. If it snows while you’re out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.

6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don’t let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it’s set. That makes it too easy.

7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom – and your jewelry. It’s not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.

8. It’s raining, you’re fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door - understandable. But understand this: I don’t take a day off because of bad weather.

9. I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don’t take me up on it.)

10. Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.

11. Here’s a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids’ rooms.

12. You’re right: I won’t have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it’s not bolted down, I’ll take it with me.

13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you’re reluctant to leave your TV on while you’re out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television.

14. Sometimes I carry a clipboard. Sometimes I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.

15. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.

16. I’ll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he’ll stop what he’s doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn’t hear it again, he’ll just go back to what he was doing. It’s human nature.

17. I’m not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?

18. I love looking in your windows. I’m looking for signs that you’re home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I’d like. I’ll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.

19. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It’s easier than you think to look up your address.

20. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it’s an invitation.

21. If you don’t answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.

- Can’t see London, can’t see France, unless we see your underpants

- Grope discounts available

- If we did our job any better, we’d have to buy you dinner first

- Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady

- Don’t worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy

- Wanna fly?  Drop your fly

- We’ve handled more balls than Barney Frank

- We are now free to move about your pants

- We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way

- It’s not a grope, it’s a freedom pat

- When in doubt, we make you whip it out

- TSA: Touchin’, Squeezin’, Arrestin’

- TSA: Touch Special Areas

- You WERE a virgin

- We handle more packages than UPS

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouth, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?” “Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.” “He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.” “You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.” “Well, screw him!” said John. “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

- One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s how the fight started…

- My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes!” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started…

- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.” And that’s when the fight started…

- My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” And then the fight started…

- When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp…

- My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And then the fight started…

- Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?” And that’s how the fight started…

- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started…

- After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me!” and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.” And then the fight started…

- My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible.  I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.” And then the fight started…

A man from Texas cruises through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. The man hands the cop his driver’s license, insurance verification, and his permit to carry concealed firearms. The cop looks at them and says, “Okay, Mr. Smith. I see you have a concealed firearms permit. Are you carrying today?” “Yes, I am,” says the man. “Well then, better tell me what you got.” Smith says, “Well, I have a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket, a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box, and a .22 magnum Derringer in my right boot.” ”Okay,” says the cop, ”anything else?” ”Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. I think that’s about it.”

Amazed, the cop asks, “Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range?” “Nope,” replies Mr. Smith.  “Well, then, what are you afraid of?” asks the cop.  Mr. Smith stares back and says, “Not a damn thing!”

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brian.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, “How much will a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.” The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?” The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.”

God was missing for six days. Eventually, the archangel Michael found him resting on the seventh day.  Michael inquired, “Where have you been?” God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test balance.” “Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “That’s Pennsylvania , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.” Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.” God smiled, “Not very far from Pennsylvania is New Jersey . Wait till you see the idiots I put there!”

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. “‘What’s up?” she asks. “I think I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband!

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she’s got no clothes on!” The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. “You rotten bitc#’, she screams! “My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!”

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.  Do something she likes and you get points.  Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.  You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.  Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.  Here’s a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It’s her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)

And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, “Where?” (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.  One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”  “Wait a moment,” Socrates replied.  “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test.  It’s called the Test of Three.”

“Test of Three?”

“That’s correct,” Socrates continued.  “Before you talk to me about my student, let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say.  The first test is Truth.  Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man replied, “actually, I just heard about it.”

“I see,” said Socrates.  “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.  Now let’s try the second test - the test of Goodness.  Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, quite the contrary.”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, “You may still pass though because there is a third test – the test of Usefulness.  Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful - why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.  This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.  It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Apple announced today it developed a breast implant that can store and play music.  The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.  Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.  Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.  The very proper church ladies were appalled.  They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while.  She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.”

The year is 1910, one hundred years ago.  What a difference a century makes!  Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:

- The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.

- Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

- Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

- There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.  The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

- The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

- The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour, and made between $200 and $400 per year.  A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.  A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

- More than 95 percent of all births took place at home.

- Ninety percent of all Doctors had no college education.  Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as ‘substandard.’

- Sugar cost four cents a pound.  Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.  Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

- Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

- Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

- The five leading causes of death were: 1) Pneumonia and Influenza, 2) Tuberculosis, 3) Diarrhea, 4) Heart Disease, and 5) Stroke.

- The American flag had 45 stars.

- The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30.

- Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.

- There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

- Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write and only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

- Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.  Back then pharmacists said, ‘Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact a perfect guardian of health.’

- Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

- There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.A.

A lesson for all of us who love proper English grammar:

In this hi-tech world, I have noticed that many who send text messages and email have forgotten the ‘art’ of capitalization.  Those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the statement below.  I cannot stress enough that grammar is important:

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.