GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, ”You’re next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome – both usually result in sudden death.

Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic

Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling, Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear America, You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada

Dear Boyfriend, I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can. Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Voldemort, So they screwed up your nose too? Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear Yahoo, I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it.” Just saying. Sincerely, Google

Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding! They’re all dead. Sincerely, BP

Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened!? Sincerely, 1985

Dear Justin Bieber, Ariel would really love her voice back. Sincerely, King Triton

Dear Rose, There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us. Sincerely, Jack

Dear Windshield Wipers, Can’t touch this. Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Taylor Swift, If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end. Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Soccer Fans, B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z… Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik’s Cube, Done! Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans, I. Can’t. Breathe. Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Sleeping Beauty, I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man. All you had to do was wake up. Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Romeo, My death isn’t the only thing I’ve been faking… Sincerely, Juliet

Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Sex Educators, Abstinence is only 99.99% effective. Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Toaster, Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Sincerely, Toast

Dear Prince Charming, You’ve got some ‘splaining to do! Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

6. Some people are like a Slinky – not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30?

2. In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And the Number 1 thought to ponder:

1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers – what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

The first one, Sven, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if he has any last words. He says, “I yust graduated from St. Olaf College in Northfield Minnesota and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for Sven’s forgiveness, and release him.

The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, “I yust graduated from da Concordia College in Moorhead, Minnesota and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for his forgiveness, and release him.

The last one, Ole, is strapped in and he says, “Vell, den, I’m from Nort’ Dakota State in Fargo and I yust graduated vit a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this ting in.”

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Hospital Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind. ‘The bad news,” he continued, “is that…Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry? How soon can I go home?”

2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.

3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste, and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.

4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.

5. If it snows while you’re out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.

6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don’t let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it’s set. That makes it too easy.

7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom – and your jewelry. It’s not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.

8. It’s raining, you’re fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door - understandable. But understand this: I don’t take a day off because of bad weather.

9. I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don’t take me up on it.)

10. Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.

11. Here’s a helpful hint: I almost never go into kids’ rooms.

12. You’re right: I won’t have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it’s not bolted down, I’ll take it with me.

13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you’re reluctant to leave your TV on while you’re out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television.

14. Sometimes I carry a clipboard. Sometimes I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.

15. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.

16. I’ll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he’ll stop what he’s doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn’t hear it again, he’ll just go back to what he was doing. It’s human nature.

17. I’m not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?

18. I love looking in your windows. I’m looking for signs that you’re home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I’d like. I’ll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.

19. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It’s easier than you think to look up your address.

20. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it’s an invitation.

21. If you don’t answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home. She returned to school the next day with the following note from her Mother:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration.  It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.  I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.  This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

- Grope discounts available

- If we did our job any better, we’d have to buy you dinner first

- Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady

- Don’t worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy

- Wanna fly?  Drop your fly

- We’ve handled more balls than Barney Frank

- We are now free to move about your pants

- We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way

- It’s not a grope, it’s a freedom pat

- When in doubt, we make you whip it out

- TSA: Touchin’, Squeezin’, Arrestin’

- TSA: Touch Special Areas

- You WERE a virgin

- We handle more packages than UPS

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?” “Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.” “He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.” “You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.” “Well, screw him!” said John. “I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

- My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes!” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started…

- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.” And that’s when the fight started…

- My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” And then the fight started…

- When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp…

- My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And then the fight started…

- Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?” And that’s how the fight started…

- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started…

- After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me!” and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.” And then the fight started…

- My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible.  I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.” And then the fight started…

Amazed, the cop asks, “Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range?” “Nope,” replies Mr. Smith.  “Well, then, what are you afraid of?” asks the cop.  Mr. Smith stares back and says, “Not a damn thing!”

Do you have a few presents under the tree already? They all look so appealing and good-intentioned, don’t they? Beneath the wrapping paper and bow, however, each gift has a different story to tell — about behavioral economics, gender dynamics, time management, and power dynamics. They also say a lot about you, the lucky recipient.