TankedFISHWhat web surfers surf, when they're not surfing web!

A very clever look at how would this biblical moment would go down in modern times!

How far would you go to prove a point?  I applaud this guy for standing up for himself and catching these UPS Store employees red handed!

After receiving a box full of sheets and soda cans instead of a laptop, a man in California became convinced that someone at UPS had opened and stolen his computer. So he took matters into his own hands in an attempt to catch a thief in the act. The man rigged an empty box with a microphone and a car alarm that was set to only go off if the box was opened. He took it to his local UPS and 10 minutes after dropping it off, he says the alarm was tripped when someone opened the box. He also claims that microphone picked up the sound of the package being opened.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brian.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, “How much will a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.” The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?” The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.”

Talk about a Mega Millions upgrade!  Mo money, mo problems…

!Si, luces agradables!

God was missing for six days. Eventually, the archangel Michael found him resting on the seventh day.  Michael inquired, “Where have you been?” God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test balance.” “Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “That’s Pennsylvania , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Pennsylvania are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.” Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.” God smiled, “Not very far from Pennsylvania is New Jersey . Wait till you see the idiots I put there!”

Even terrorists should use protection!  Derka, derka.

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. “‘What’s up?” she asks. “I think I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband!

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she’s got no clothes on!” The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. “You rotten bitc#’, she screams! “My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!”

Try to talk your way out of this one!

Cliff Lee signs with the Phillies!  I don’t think anyone saw that coming.  I can say one thing though – Philly fans are pumped!

I can’t say baby Jesus ever made made me hungry before.  Mmm, Jesus…

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.  Do something she likes and you get points.  Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.  You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.  Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.  Here’s a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It’s her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)

And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, “Where?” (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Here’s an interesting take on the zombie genre and how it correlates to our modern lives.  Apparently we’re already dead.  Good read.

Every zombie war is a war of attrition. It’s always a numbers game. And it’s more repetitive than complex. In other words, zombie killing is philosophically similar to reading and deleting 400 work e-mails on a Monday morning or filling out paperwork that only generates more paperwork, or following Twitter gossip out of obligation, or performing tedious tasks in which the only true risk is being consumed by the avalanche. The principal downside to any zombie attack is that the zombies will never stop coming; the principal downside to life is that you will be never be finished with whatever it is you do.

The Internet reminds of us this every day.

Yeah, it’s pretty hard.  Good luck!

I’m sure this brings back some memories!  Speak And Spell!  Didn’t E. T. use one of these to communicate to his mother ship?

What was this go thinking? Come and get me, copper!

I don’t think I’ve ever been this hard up for something to do. LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!

If you text/email using your phone, I’m sure you’ve been ‘corrected’ at some point.  Damn You Auto Correct!  One of the funniest sites I’ve seen in a while.

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.  One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”  “Wait a moment,” Socrates replied.  “Before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test.  It’s called the Test of Three.”

“Test of Three?”

“That’s correct,” Socrates continued.  “Before you talk to me about my student, let’s take a moment to test what you’re going to say.  The first test is Truth.  Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man replied, “actually, I just heard about it.”

“I see,” said Socrates.  “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not.  Now let’s try the second test - the test of Goodness.  Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, quite the contrary.”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, “You may still pass though because there is a third test – the test of Usefulness.  Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither True, nor Good, nor even Useful - why tell it to me at all?”

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.  This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.  It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

If you have any kind of IT/technology background, you’ll find this video hysterical!