TankedFISHWhat web surfers surf, when they're not surfing web!

There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, ”You’re next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome – both usually result in sudden death.

I wish there were more carpenters like her working on my job site!

My wife and I were at home watching television. I had the remote and was switching back & forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said, “For God’s sake! LEAVE IT ON THE PORN CHANNEL! You already know how to fish!”

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment:

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home. She returned to school the next day with the following note from her Mother:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration.  It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.  I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.  This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

- One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s how the fight started…

- My wife and I were watching ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes!” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s when the fight started…

- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.” And that’s when the fight started…

- My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” And then the fight started…

- When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp…

- My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And then the fight started…

- Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?” And that’s how the fight started…

- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started…

- After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So, I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me!” and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.” And then the fight started…

- My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible.  I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.” And then the fight started…

Something tells me she won’t see the humor in this.  Trust me.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brian.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, “How much will a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.” The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?” The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.”

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. “‘What’s up?” she asks. “I think I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband!

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she’s got no clothes on!” The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. “You rotten bitc#’, she screams! “My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!”

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.  Do something she likes and you get points.  Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.  You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.  Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.  Here’s a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It’s her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)

And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, “Where?” (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)